There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
