It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
