Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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