just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
