My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
