woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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