Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
