the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
