I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
mondays should just be called national damage control day
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
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