Pappa wants mamma naked
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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