Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
