My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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