sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
