I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
