highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
should my penis look like a turkey
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Randomize
