A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
