i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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