What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
