when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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