glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
