I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
