i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
