Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
