I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
