i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
