Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
