There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
