Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Randomize
