my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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