Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Found the puke drawer
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Let the clothes fall where they may.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
