I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
