I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
