I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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