I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
