Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
