Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
false alarm, still single
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
