He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
