I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
