nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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