I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
