You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
