Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
