Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
