Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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