Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
