this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
