got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
