Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Randomize
