I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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