goodnight i made you a song goodbye
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
