...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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